Why We Said Goodbye
by authorjazmyne
Summary: Inspired by the song, 'Why we said goodbye'. Addison wonders why Meredith has left her, and she reflects on their relationship. Addison/Meredith.


Pairing: Addison/Meredith

A/N: Inspired by...'Why we said goodbye'. Some lyrics will be found in the story. I know that Bizzy dies in Private Practice, but in my defense I don't watch that show. So yeah, her mom was alive.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything

Please Review.

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There was a time when I wouldn't cry, but this isn't one of those times. When Derek and I got a divorced I remember crying twice, and I don't think I cried for him, but more because I felt like he would be with Meredith again. Yes... I cried because I didn't want him to be with Meredith. But this is different, I am crying for my actual lost. I'm crying because I miss her, because I love her still, I'm crying because I don't remember why we said goodbye in the first place.

Our relationship started out as a friendship, after I moved to Los Angeles. She surprised me one night on my doorstep, suitcase in hand and asked if she could stay. We had been emailing each other for months, it seemed easier to be her friend when I didn't have to see her around Derek. She became the person I turned to when I needed someone to talk to and even though she had 'her person', I knew she would just as easily turn to me. And that's what she was doing when she turned up on my doorstep, she was, in her own way, asking me for help and I was more than happy to give it to her. We spent that whole night drink a bottle of Jose Cuevo and watching bad television. She let me hold her for the first time that night and that was how we fell asleep, in each other arms, on the floor in the living room.

That morning I woke up first and watched her breathe until she woke up, I remember that morning like it was yesterday...

"_Good morning," she said when she finally woke up. She stood up and stretched, and I followed suit. _

"_Hey," I said softly and then walked into the kitchen and started making coffee. I looked for something to eat and I felt her come and stand behind me. I turned around immediately. "You want some breakfast?" _

_She raised her eyebrow after she looked at the time and she said: "It's almost 1:30, I don't think it's breakfast time anymore." _

_I shrugged and then opened the fridge again, "I made lasagna last night."_

"_Okay, I like lasagna." Meredith had said. _

It didn't take long before I found out that she didn't like lasagna, but really she loved it. She ate three times as much as I did and was still tempted to have more, but stopped herself. The rest of that day was spent watching the waves hit the rocks from my back deck. Meredith finally told me that night why she'd left Seattle, turns out both of us needed to get away from Derek. And, I let her know she was always welcomed here, and she made a joke about never leaving my house and about two weeks later she decided that she actually wanted to stay forever.

The song stops playing on my iPod and I start it over, the sound of 'Why we said goodbye' fills my ears. I put the song on repeat and let the tears fall silently because this song is exactly how I feel. It's like this song was written by me because even the events he sings of remind me of things we did together, and that's what makes it worse. It was the fact the song is not only making me cry, but it's also making me think of things we did together.

It's masochistic in a way, I know the pain I would feel, but I do it in spite of that. Maybe I even do it so I can feel the pain, but the reason doesn't matter much. The first line of the song, '_I remember Sunday mornings walking on the beach_', that line could have been spoken right from my mouth. Every Sunday morning I would wake her up before the sun would rise and we would walk and talk about nothing. When we were just friends that's all we would do, but once that first month was over and we passed the point of just being friends... that's when things changed. We'd stop every now and then and kiss, sometimes we would do a little more, but we'd always be mindful that we were out in public. We'd hold hands and take pictures sometimes and every now and then we would somehow end up in the water.

We wouldn't stop walking until the sun started to rise and when that time came, we'd sit on a rock or the sand and just watch the beautiful orange, yellow and pink hit the ocean and light up the sky. Her eyes would shine a bright blue in the light, and even though I love her blue-gray eyes, I love when they were almost a clear blue even more. We would always stay on the beach, in each other arms until she'd start to get tired and I would make sure we got back to the house so she could sleep. While she would sleep I'd go out and buy breakfast from her favorite diner. She'd always eat the same thing on Sunday mornings, pancakes, eggs, bacon and sausage. I would usually get the same thing as her, and when I didn't it's because I was in the mood for french toast. Our Sunday mornings were my favorite time of the week, which is probably why I'm crying so much now. In five more hours it would be the time I'd usually wake her up, and I can't help, but to miss her even more as each minute goes by.

We'd never miss our Sunday morning walks, not even when we were working on a Sunday. I remember the day that she was on call, but I wasn't so she left work to come wake me up and it was a complete surprise to me. I had to rush to get some clothes on because there was only a few minutes before the sun was supposed to rise. By the time we got to the rocks closest to the house it had just started. That was the first time told her I loved her, I remember how she whispered it back in my ear and I knew she regretted that she had to go back to work soon. But it just meant the world to me that she would even think to do something so sweet.

The song starts over again and the tears actually stop falling. I lie there silently, listening carefully to the lyrics, picking out the lyrics that would ignite the memories. 'T_hat antique roller coaster you just had to ride_', that line sticks out to me and I know why. Not too long after we made a year I found out that my father was in the hospital. I told her she didn't have to come with me, but she insisted. And if I was being honest with myself, I wanted her to come, I just didn't want to have to ask and I loved her even more for making sure I didn't have to. My father died shortly after we got there, they said it was a heart attack. I never was the type to cry at death and she knew that, but she placed her hand on my waist and whispered in my ear. "I'm right here, baby," she said it to me in that sweet voice that I miss. And, it is this thought that makes me cry again.

We stayed in New York for a while, mostly for my mother's sake, but also because we needed a break from work. We ended up on the beach in Coney Island one day, and she stared at the Cyclone for a while as we walked, but never said a word about it. It wasn't until I was ready to leave that she took my hand and walked over to it and bought us both a ticket. I shook my head at the idea, I never liked roller coasters, but there wasn't a point in objecting because my feet followed her even though my mind said no. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. It helped that her hand never left mine.

I sit up and stop crying. There's not really much of a reason for me to cry, it's not solving the problem, it's not bringing her back to me. She's been gone for six days already, she won't answer my calls, not even my e-mails. I think back to the last time I saw her, but I don't know why she left. We hadn't had a fight, I don't even think we were going through any problems, but she's gone. All of her things, everything that was hers, everything but the smell. The house smells like sweet lavender all over, the sofa that I've been lying on, the bed I've avoided, the towel she used last that I can't bring myself to wash, everything smells like her. And the smell of Meredith only makes me want to cry, but I won't.

I get up and throw on some clothes and head out to the boardwalk. I walk in silence for a while, listening to the sound of the water hitting the rocks, the '_woosh' _sound it makes is relaxing, but then I have the need to torture myself a little more. The song is on again and before I know it I feel the sting of a hot tear fall down my cheek. I try hard to remember what was wrong, what I did to make her leave, try _not_ to think of all the reasons why she should have stayed, but it's hard. I know our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was as close as it got. We had that relationship everyone wanted and I never thought I would lose it.

I go back home and pick up my phone for the umpteenth time and hit call on her name. She doesn't answer it of course, but for the first time I decide to leave a message after hearing her speak on the answering machine. I clear my throat. "Mere, it's Addie." I sigh as I feel the tears fill my eyes. "I love you," I say quickly and then repeat it for good measure. "I love you with all my heart, Mere. I don't know where things went wrong, but we can fix it, it doesn't have to end this way." I start to sob into the phone and I can't help it anymore. "Baby, it's almost Sunday and we've never gone a Sunday without walking together since you came to LA. I guess what I'm saying is," I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Come home, we can fix this if you just come back to me. I'll listen to whatever you have to say, I just need to feel you in my arms again." I hit the end call button and roll up into a ball on the floor and start to cry again.

I fall asleep and when I wake up I realize it's only been about ten minutes. I sigh as I stand up and take my iPod out of my ears and connect it to the stereo. The music fills the house instantly and I don't even care if it's too loud because I don't care how others feel when I feel like I'm dying. I go into the kitchen, open the liquor cabinet and the first thing I see is a bottle of Jose Cuevo and my mind fills with many memories of Meredith drinking tequila and of us drinking it together. I take the bottle out and put it on the counter, having no intent on drinking it, but wanting to be reminded of her anyway. I suddenly have no desire for alcohol; instead I want to eat. Eat what though? I haven't cooked all week, and I guess that's why I'm so hungry. I also realize I haven't done anything all week, but cry, walk and listen to this song. Maybe if I knew why she left, then just maybe I could stop.

I take everything out of the kitchen that reminds me of her and put it on the counter. I want to throw it all away now, but I know I won't because I'll never give up hope that she'll come back home. The kitchen starts to clutter, but I don't care, I actually go into other rooms and gather more things to add to the piles. I feel like I must have lost my mind, I must have because this is just crazy. I find one of her sweaters in the bedroom and I pull it to my nose and inhale the sweet smell that she left behind and I cry into it. I fall asleep again and this time I sleep for a little longer. I wake up to silence, which is odd because I left the music on. I get up off the floor, sweater still in hand and walk out to the living room.

I drop the sweater when I see Meredith on the sofa, looking out of the window and it takes me a few heartbeats before I believe she's really there. I walk over to her cautiously and she turns so that she's facing me. "I'm sorry," I hear her say, but I have no idea what for.

"What?" I say as I stand in front of her, shocked that she's apologizing. I expect that it would be me that was going to be apologizing if given this chance.

She stands up and throws her arms around me. "I was scared," she mumbles into my hair.

"Meredith," I say, but that's all I have a chance to say because her lips are on mine instantly and I melt into the kiss. My mind shuts off and I completely forget that not too long ago I had been crying because she left me, and instead I am feeling the full impact of our kiss. I feel my body heat up, my eyes flutter shut, my chest rises and falls quickly and I feel the desire. There has always been something about kissing this woman that would make me feel like I was on fire and I wouldn't even want anyone to put it out. I'm glad to know that the feeling is still here and maybe even heightened.

"I'm sorry," she repeats when we separate.

"Baby, it's okay. It's okay." I kiss her forehead and then I feel a tear fall on to my shoulder and I know she's crying.

"No, it's not okay, I hurt you and I never wanted to hurt you."

I move back and look into her teary eyes with my own teary eyes, "As long as you never leave me again I will be fine, let's just give it one more try."

She moves away from me and goes into her bag, when she turns around I see the box in her hand, I want to believe that there's a ring in there, but I can't, not until she says it. "Addie," she starts and I move forward, kissing her and our lips crash against each other's again. We fall on to the sofa. She's on top of me, and she has full control over my body. She moves her tongue along mines and I feel a shiver go down my spine, but she stops kissing me and I start to panic.

"What's wrong?" I ask her when she looks into my eyes.

"Marry me," she says and it sounds like she's begging me. I don't say anything, suddenly I feel speechless. She doesn't move or say anything for a while, but I feel her get off of me and I watch her start to walk away. But I grab her arm and pull her back towards me because I don't ever want her to leave again.

"Are you sure?"

She takes a deep breath, and for a while I feel like she won't let it out, but then she does. "You remember when I came here three years ago?" I nod. "Well, I left Derek because I didn't think I could be in a committed relationship forever, I didn't think I could be married, be tied down because that's what I would think of it as, being tied down. But now, I look at it differently. I left for the same reasons, but I came back because I realized I want to spend every day with you, every night in your arms, I want to be committed to you, I want to spend every Sunday morning on the beach. I want to spend my life with the only person I have ever loved with every part of my being. I want you and only you and I want you forever."

The tears spill out of my eyes and I instantly remember when I fell in love with her, and why I love her so much. And, then I remember that it's Sunday. Yeah, it is Sunday and we need to get out there before the sun rises. I put my hand on her arm and then turn to her. "Come with me, it's almost time." I feel her stiffen under my touch, but then she comes with me. We walk to the closest rocks and sit down, arms touching and hands locked. The sun starts to rise and I turn to look into her eyes, the almost clear blue color is there. I know at that very moment for sure, "yes, I'll marry you."

"Really?" She practically screeches.

I laugh a little, something I haven't done this past week. "Of course," I say and she puts the ring on my finger. She pulls me up from the rocks and leads me back into our house. We walk in silence, words are not needed when you feel the way we are feeling right now. She pushes me on to the bed that I've avoided because I couldn't sleep in it without her. She lies down on top of me, every part of our bodies trying to melt together and they almost do. We're so close that I can't even tell where I start and she ends, but I am most content like this. She places a soft kiss on my lips and then my jaw and then my neck and I can feel her move further down my body. And, even though little moans escape my mouth, this is not what I want. "Meredith," it comes out as a shaky breath and I have to say it again so it sounds less like a moan and more like I'm trying to get her attention.

"Hmm," she hums on me and it sends a shiver down my spine.

"Come up here," I say and she moves her body back to its original spot. "Can you just hold me?"

"Of course I can baby." She moves off of me and we turn on our sides, looking at each other, then share a quick kiss. I turn around so that my back is to her, and we move into each other until we are touching completely. Our legs weave together and so do our hands, her breasts and stomach are against my back and I can feel her hips on me. I finally feel complete. Right here in her arms is where I want to be forever. "I love you," she whispers into my hair.

"I love you more baby," I say. Soon, sleep takes over my body. Sweet dreams taking over my mind. And Meredith taking over my heart. Again.


End file.
